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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Tears of Joy

We have all heard the saying at some point in our lives, "I was crying tears of joy."

I never much understood this saying myself. Tears are for crying and joy brings laughter. Straightforward and simple. I don't like mixed messages or confusing sayings that don't make sense.

Yet lately, I've started to understand and even embrace tears of joy. And yes, of course there is a story behind it...

Until recently, I would have considered myself the strong, stoic type. I wasn't an emotional, crazy person like some women :) I always held it together, regardless of how I felt on the inside. I saw strength and courage in being able to hide my feelings and keep them inside. I didn't want anyone to see the hurt or pain that I was feeling. What I felt inside stayed inside, never to come out.

Not only did I bottle my hurt inside, but I kept it there with eating disorder behaviors like starving, bingeing, or overexercising. Those behaviors kept my feelings under control, or so I thought. If my mind was consumed with food or exercise, then my feelings couldn't come out. I didn't have the time or energy to deal with what was really going on inside my heart and in my mind.

In recovery from an eating disorder, you have to give up using eating disorder behaviors to deal with your hurts. So, the question is... if you're not using the eating disorder to cope with life, what happens?

I'll tell you what happened to me... I turned into a crazy, emotional, hormonal woman that I never imagined I would be. I cry at the blink of an eye. A few months ago I was starting to worry that I was losing my marbles. How in the world could I get so emotional, so quickly?

It took me a while, but I've started to put together the puzzle. I am an emotional being because I am no longer turning to my eating disorder to cope with life. Instead, I feel real emotions and they come out in real ways. I've learned that my emotions can be a sign of strength and not weakness.

So now, I cry tears of joy because when tears fall (as often they do), it is a sign that I'm trusting in God instead of ed.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fail Us Not

The worship team at Daybreak introduced us to a new song called, Fail Us Not. I have found myself playing this song over and over again, soaking in every word. This song is a powerful reminder that our God will never fail us, no matter what the circumstance.


God is so much bigger than the battle with ED.
Did you get that? GOD is BIGGER than ed.

In the battle against ED you may face fear, insecurity, worry, anxiety, shame, guilt, and loneliness at times. But, you aren't the only one who has ever faced these things. Jesus Christ knows all of your inadequacies and insecurities. He saw them and He felt them... as He died for them. He saw it all and he took it all on his shoulders. He never fails you. Whatever it is that you are facing, God is there.

On the cross, Jesus defeated ED. In the ultimate sacrifice, he said that nothing we could ever say, think or do could keep us from His love. Even though we may not understand the battles we face, God will not fail us in them... He will use them for good in your life and for the good of others. That may seem hard to believe, but there is NOTHING He can't do. He gives strength to rise above whatever it may be so that you can live in freedom - knowing that your hope is secure in Him.

It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him
- Lam. 3:22-25