Tears of Joy

We have all heard the saying at some point in our lives, "I was crying tears of joy."

I never much understood this saying myself. Tears are for crying and joy brings laughter. Straightforward and simple. I don't like mixed messages or confusing sayings that don't make sense.

Yet lately, I've started to understand and even embrace tears of joy. And yes, of course there is a story behind it...

Until recently, I would have considered myself the strong, stoic type. I wasn't an emotional, crazy person like some women :) I always held it together, regardless of how I felt on the inside. I saw strength and courage in being able to hide my feelings and keep them inside. I didn't want anyone to see the hurt or pain that I was feeling. What I felt inside stayed inside, never to come out.

Not only did I bottle my hurt inside, but I kept it there with eating disorder behaviors like starving, bingeing, or overexercising. Those behaviors kept my feelings under control, or so I thought. If my mind was consumed with food or exercise, then my feelings couldn't come out. I didn't have the time or energy to deal with what was really going on inside my heart and in my mind.

In recovery from an eating disorder, you have to give up using eating disorder behaviors to deal with your hurts. So, the question is... if you're not using the eating disorder to cope with life, what happens?

I'll tell you what happened to me... I turned into a crazy, emotional, hormonal woman that I never imagined I would be. I cry at the blink of an eye. A few months ago I was starting to worry that I was losing my marbles. How in the world could I get so emotional, so quickly?

It took me a while, but I've started to put together the puzzle. I am an emotional being because I am no longer turning to my eating disorder to cope with life. Instead, I feel real emotions and they come out in real ways. I've learned that my emotions can be a sign of strength and not weakness.

So now, I cry tears of joy because when tears fall (as often they do), it is a sign that I'm trusting in God instead of ed.